why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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