I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
