I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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