I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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