You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
