Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
