Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
