I don't usually arrange sex via text message
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
