I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
