you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize