When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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