Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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