ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
