guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
