I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
