I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize