Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
