I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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