thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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