saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
