I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
