i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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