Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
