You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
