dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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