god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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