if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
