if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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