I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize