No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
