just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
