He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I want her autograph on my taint
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
