First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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