Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
