Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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