If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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