So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I came so hard my ears popped.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
