my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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