dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
