I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
