I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
