Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This is not my ceiling
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
