he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
