Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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