you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
