when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
