dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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