You smell like a Billy Joel song
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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