I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
