didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Plan B is the new Plan A
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
