Who wears a wallet chain?!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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