11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
