Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
