My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
