Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
